Rats and Mice

Now Mr. Suit is in a quandary an I don’t mean one of them places where you mine stone.

He can’t say United cos of his accent, he can’t say Liverpool or Everton, he must know enough to know that, an he’ll get beat to fuck if he says he don’t follow the beautiful game. I’ve gotta say at this point I was sorta enjoyin meself, dint think it would go much further, just a bit of fun. Me Mam had always kept me away from Rafferty an his crew, she said they were accidents waitin to happen. The Scouse lad is silent. He’s roughly twenty but Bernie although a kid could do him anytime an that’s without the others helpin, which of course they would.

Bernie decides to put the Scouser at ease.

‘Don’t matter to us. It’s your business.’

An the Welsh accent gives the Scouser a little confidence cos he says


An I think a young Charles Bronson must be in the next carriage cos this is where he got the idea for the “Death Wish” films from.

Rafferty perched on the luggage racks begins to sing.

‘In the Liverpool slums
In the Liverpool slums
They go to the dustbin for something to eat
They find a dead rat an they think it’s a treat
In the Liverpool slums’

The Scouser laughs a nervous laugh. Rafferty takes over the questionin.

‘Wot’s your name our kid?’

‘Richard,’ says the sweatin Scouser.

‘Yeah, you look like a Dick,’ says Rafferty, milkin the laughter. ‘Second I seen you I thought that man is a Dick.’

Bernie don’t like the loss of attention.

‘Like your briefcase,’ he says, ‘could do with one for me exams. Can I have it?’

Point of no return time, Richard has to fight or try to cut an run, but he decides to do neither. Bernie empties the contents of the case over him an says, ‘Ain’t really got no exams, but I can use this in a blaggin. Then when the Filth fingerprint it they’ll arrest, cos you’re a Scouser.’

We all laugh.

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16 Responses to “Rats and Mice”

  1. October 01, 2008 at 9:56 am, Amy said:

    I’ve got a funny feeling in my tummy, that was really horrible, which obviously means its a well written story because it’s provoked a reaction. But how awful. Is it true?

  2. October 04, 2008 at 1:01 pm, mike duff said:

    wot is truth?

  3. October 04, 2008 at 5:19 pm, Danny 'Laureate' loki said:

    This reminds me of a similar incident I witnessed on the Orient Express back in 1932. Some poor chap got chived up bad in the shitters at the back. Then some old tart sussed out who did the crime and got him sent down.

    Actually, that bear little or no similarity to this tale, Duff. So in essence, meh.

  4. October 04, 2008 at 5:22 pm, ralph milnefanclub said:

    *shakes with fear*

  5. October 07, 2008 at 12:09 pm, mike duff said:

    loki i have the dice ready willing and able…and i am prepared to re-live my youth

  6. October 10, 2008 at 7:10 pm, Rainy City Stories « 40three said:

    […] the stories that are up I particularly liked Rats and Mice by Mike […]

  7. October 12, 2008 at 10:42 pm, smith3000 said:

    Nice story Mike – well you know what I mean. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff on here – or will you not bother if they’ve got no dosh for you?

  8. October 21, 2008 at 7:49 pm, mike duff said:

    dear smith3000……sent three things for the price of one….money is not a thing that drives my art….i went unpublished for thirty year….so i’d willingly give kate another 50 things for free


  9. October 22, 2008 at 9:00 am, smith3000 said:

    Sorry Mike, just realised that might have seemed a bit snide. Humour doesn’t come across well in comments, I suppose. The only stuff I’ve read of yours before is Low Life and I was confusing you with the narrator … I wasn’t having a pop.

  10. October 22, 2008 at 12:10 pm, mike duff said:

    no problem smithy…..a good friend of mine the writer pete kalu once calculated that he earned two pound an hour from his writing….to which i replied “well yer jammy bugger that’s four times more than me”…..try “the hat check boy” by me….different from “low life”….and don’t buy it use a library…..

  11. October 22, 2008 at 1:08 pm, smith3000 said:

    The speed I write at, 50p an hour is probably about right. Thanks for the tip, I’ll track down The Hat Check Boy one way or the other ..

  12. October 26, 2008 at 2:59 pm, brady said:

    top writin mike…puts you in a room with them all an I squirmed for mr suit like he were me…. dunno what I would have done…hard to know really til yer cornered

  13. October 27, 2008 at 10:37 pm, Bees said:

    who would know …by act or ommission …to do the right thing…chilling real mike…

  14. October 28, 2008 at 1:50 pm, rob said:

    …basically u were a scally or chav before that demographic was given a title (credit) – haha – sorry! but so was i… so can relate to being in your predicament.
    i really enjoyed the story… cheers mike… ill now borrow your books from the library… but im such a slow reader ill probably end up lining your pockets as u can only borrow books for 2 weeks… which aint long enough for me!

  15. October 08, 2009 at 6:40 pm, Jo Kirtley Pritchard said:

    loved this.

  16. November 25, 2009 at 7:48 pm, Ian D Smith said:

    Reminds me of the time the kids opposite came back from Manchester on the train and some scallys talked them into taking out all the CDs they’d bought, and then legged it with the lot at Levenshulme. One born every minute. Nice story. Like it.


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